To Be Faithless

To Be Faithless

I admire people who have strong faith. I wonder what it would be like, to have that certainty, to be SO SURE that what they believe in is true. Unwavering, never faltering, faith.

I’m not a believer. I don’t have that. Sometimes I wish I did, most of the time I don’t think about it. It comes and goes. I find that in times of fear or helplessness, I wish for it…..I say to myself, I wish I could pray to someone, give them my problems , let them handle it, put it in His or Her hands. I wish I could believe that praying would make a difference in my situation. Instead, I send a general wish out to the universe. Something has to hear my cries, right? Or not.

Or I’ll say, “God, if you’re out there, please (fill in the blank).” But always with that disclaimer, that lack of faith: IF you’re out there. You know, just in case.

I suppose faith gives people strength. I think of a family member on my husband’s side, whose son and husband were both diagnosed with cancer around the same time, and people talk about how strong and positive she’s being, and it’s all because of her faith. She believes God will take care of her family. And it seems to be working. Thank goodness.

I wasn’t always like this. In fact, it’s kind of surprising, given my upbringing: church every Sunday, religion class every Saturday, attended Catholic school for two years. After all that, I should be the most devout Catholic ever. But I’m not. So what changed?

I don’t really know. I think even as a child I felt silly talking to someone who didn’t respond back. Kind of how it feels to go LIVE on Facebook, but even then you eventually get a response, or there’s a chance someone is watching.

I kept waiting for some type of sign, or a feeling. I wasn’t expecting a burning bush or anything like that, but at least some acknowledgement, like “Hey, I hear you! I’m listening!” It never came.

And that’s just it, I don’t think it’s supposed to. That’s the very definition of faith, isn’t it? Believing even though you can’t hear it or see it, no physical proof. Just faith.

I guess that’s too hard for me.

     

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